Phew. That was exciting. Last second goals. Controversial calls. Players sent home. Biting. This has been one of the most dramatic World Cups yet.
It’s only natural, then, that we take advantage of this brief respite from nail-biting competition and make some very important distinctions before the knockout stage begins.
If this were the World Cup of Westeros, which house would your team belong to?
Argentina = House Baratheon
Lionel Messi is the one true King of Soccer. He also never misses an opportunity to remind us.
Costa Rica = House Targaryen
How did Costa Rica win a group with three former World Cup Champions? Dragons, clearly. Nobody can prepare for unexpected dragons. We should’ve recognized the omen when Joel Campbell impregnated himself with a soccer ball after scoring the tying goal against Uruguay.
United States = House Greyjoy
No matter how hard they try, the Americans are still outsiders in the world of soccer, gazing in at the old clubs, hoping to pick one or two off when they get the opportunity. They’re also as beat up as Theon heading into the knockout stage. And yet, American fans still have hope for this iron-strong team because they’re facing…
Belgium = House Tully
Respected? Sure. But, like House Tully, it doesn’t seem like anybody really fears this squad.
France = House Arryn
France easily dropped their group stage opponents through the Moondoor. And it doesn’t look like they’ll be seriously pushed until the quarterfinals. Just like the Knights of the Vale, who are pretty much the most formidable knights-we’ve-never-really-seen-fight in all of Westeros.
Brazil = House Lannister
It’s not just the home field advantage and generous calls from the referees. Brazil bankrupted itself on this wa — I mean tournament.
Germany = House Tyrell
Plain beautiful soccer. No matter what the circumstances, this team gets the job done by playing well together and focusing on a single purpose: domination.
Mexico = House Stark
It’s frustrating being a Stark, and, with so many (wrongly) denied goals in the group stage, the Mexican squad knows that feeling well. But the Starks are resilient, and the Mexican squad is still in it, with a shot at the glory that comes with a win over the Dutch. Or a massacre. There’s no middle ground when you’re a Stark.
Uruguay = The Thenns
Sure, The Thenns aren’t a house. But Luis Suarez — Uruguay’s star striker — and Styr pack the same thing for lunch.
Portugal = House Martell
Flashy. Cunning. Cocky. And, ultimately, dead. Plus, who wouldn’t want to see Ronaldo’s head squeezed to watermelon pulp?
